Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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