Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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