guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
