I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
