i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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