Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
