Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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