YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
