So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish I only lived at night.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
