Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
