dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
