I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
