for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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