Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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