I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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