Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
