she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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