btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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