Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Two words: blizzard sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
