Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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