You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
