I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
