fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
