How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
