Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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