his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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