I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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