I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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