Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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