I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I want to be your penis for a week.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
