His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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