i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
