Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I have vodka in my lungs
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
