peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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