My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
