I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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