**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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