U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
