I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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