my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
