Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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