i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
