if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
