The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
