I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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