So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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