Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
