if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
