So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
