My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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